the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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