Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
