She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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