I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
