i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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