You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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