Im at strip club and am horny
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
