Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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