im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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