I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
