I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
