Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
