I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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