So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
