At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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