I love black thongs
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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