I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Randomize
