My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
