Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Still dying that you shit outside
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
