I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
