Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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