It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
