i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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