Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
