i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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