it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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