Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
