Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
