Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
