i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
