Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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