I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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