well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
