so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
