areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
