i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
whose ass print is on the piano?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
