True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
