I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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