I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
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