Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
How does it feel to date your dad?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
