Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
