and she was petting her beer can
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
