I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just made my gag reflex go away.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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