I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
