Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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