Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
