Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
