Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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