Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Blood and glitter go together right?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
