i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
