I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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