My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
